Are You Under-Stressed?

Dear Readers,

I came across this marvelous article that I thought many of you might find interesting: 19 Ways to Get More Readers for Your Author Blog

When I saw #4 on this list, I perked right up: "Do something different."

What follows may not be what those folks meant, but I already had it ready to post today, so I retro-fitted it to match their list. (What?)

It's a quiz that I crafted many years ago. I guarantee that it's every bit as useful now as it was then. Leave a comment and let us know your score!

Are You Under-Stressed?

The Quiz

Studies have shown that many people in our society today are under-stressed; that is, they do not receive enough stress in their day-to-day lives. Such a condition can render a person incapable of dealing with emergency situations when they arise. In fact, the under-stressed person may not even recognize a real emergency when he or she sees one! To determine whether you undergo sufficient stress in your life, take the following simple multiple-choice quiz.

(1) Awakening in the middle of the night, you think you hear a burglar in the house. You fumble for the phone. Intending to press 9-1-1, you accidentally press the keys you programmed as a shortcut to your Great Aunt Harriet's number. When Great Aunt Harriet answers, you:

(a) Tell her to bring the squad car around the back.
(b) Reply, "Sorry, I have the wrong number," hang up, and scream loudly to frighten the intruder away.
(c) Ask Great Aunt Harriet how much the china hutch she gave you weighs and how long she thinks it would take one or two men to carry it outside in the dark.
(d) Inquire after Great Uncle Mortrud's lumbago and promise to visit them when you are finished going over details of the theft with your insurance company.

(2) Your son's soccer coach calls, telling you that you need to provide all refreshments for the end-of-the-season cookout (the team will reimburse you for your expenses, of course). The cookout is day after tomorrow. Your commitments for the week already include helping your daughter with her science project, tilling your mother's garden, working overtime at the office, and visiting eight shut-ins for your church. You tell the coach:

(a) @*%&#)(*@_&#$*(#
(b) "No problem. How about radishes and half a pot of day-old coffee?"
(c) "I would be delighted" -- chuckling to yourself over the fact that neither you nor the food will appear at the cookout. That'll fix 'em.
(d) "Excuse me... [click click click] ... I think we have a bad connection... [click click click]... Can you hear me? [FAKE STATIC] [LOUD BUZZ -- followed by yanking cord out of wall and leaving it out for three days].

(3) Your boss has written a letter to an important client. You feel sure the client's name has been misspelled, but your boss insists you are wrong and tells you to mail the letter. The client calls, complaining that his name was misspelled. You hear your boss blaming "my crazy assistant." You:

(a) Quickly reprint all your boss's rolodex cards, deliberately misspelling every name and/or changing one digit in each phone number.
(b) Order a commemorative plaque for Boss of the Year (at company expense) -- misspelling your boss's name.
(c) Immediately prepare your letter of resignation (misspelling your name), stick a flaming arrow through it, and shoot it into your boss's office.
(d) Laugh silently to yourself for the rest of the day because you actually are crazy and it's a relief to have it acknowledged by someone in authority.

(4) You have been awakened at least once every night for the past week by your neighbor's barking dogs. The dogs (German Shepherds) also bark continually while you mow your lawn or work in your garden. Since you own a Bassett Hound (who barks when disturbed but settles down quickly), you try to be tolerant. However, the police have just called to inform you that your neighbor has filed a complaint about your dog's barking. You:

(a) Make midnight phone calls to your neighbor, panting and whining pitifully when he answers.
(b) Contact your neighbor and attempt to make peace, explaining that you have just acquired three Great Danes trained to leap the fence and jump on top of your neighbor's Porsche whenever they hear a German Shepherd bark.
(c) Invite your neighbor to a backyard barbecue, smiling sinisterly when he expresses concern that his dogs have been missing all day.
(d) Sit down with the German Shepherds over a bowl of kibble and sauerkraut and discuss the situation with them, emphasizing their responsibility to their close acquaintances and society as a whole.

(5) You have ten minutes to drive across town to the technical college you attend twice a week. A test is being given and if you are late, you will receive an automatic "F". As you pull onto Murphy Street, you find yourself in the right-hand lane behind a car going two miles an hour. The driver sticks his arm out his window, motioning you to come around. Since cars are zooming steadily by in the left-hand lane at 45 miles per hour, this does not seem like a viable option to you. The traffic does not decrease. The car ahead of you does not speed up. You:

(a) Flip on the loudspeaker connected to your radio and imitate a siren, hoping the driver will pull over.
(b) Get on your cell and call your best friend, who readily agrees to impersonate you at the exam (the friend strongly resembles you, lives a block from the school, and took the same class last year).
(c) Take a sharp right into a parking lot, zip through the lot and out the other side, running over two little old ladies and a kid on a bike before arriving in the middle of a major intersection, whereupon your authority is disrespected by a tractor-trailer with faulty brakes.
(d) Turn your car radio to the station that plays heavy metal, turn up the volume, roll up your windows, light a cigarette, close your eyes, and go to sleep.

SCORING

(1)
(a) 3 pts
(b) 1 pt
(c) 7 pts
(d) 5 pts

(2)
(a) 1 pt.
(b) 5 pts
(c) 7 pts
(d) 3 pts

(3)
(a) 3 pts
(b) 5 pts
(c) 1 pt
(d) 7 pts

(4)
(a) 3 pts
(b) 5 pts
(c) 1 pt
(d) 7pts

(5)
(a) 5 pts
(b) 7 pts
(c) 3 pts
(d) 1 pt

TOTAL YOUR SCORE:

35 points: You are definitely too calm and collected. There's nowhere near enough stress in your life. It is imperative that you begin drinking more coffee and soft drinks, start smoking, increase your work hours, decrease your salary, and -- above all -- START WORRYING as much as possible. If necessary, send for our complete "THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT" list, a comprehensive aid for people suffering from your condition.

25-35 points: Not bad, but you still exhibit some dangerous symptoms of peace-of-mind. Refer to instructions above.

10-25 points: Normal

5-10 points: Maybe a little too stressed. Take a chill pill, okay?

*~* HAVE A NICE DAY *~*

P.S. I scored a 2 on this quiz. Not possible, you say? Are you calling me a liar? Would you like to settle this outside?